STARSHIP OF FOOLS - (C) 1986 Jerry Kindall and Rex Crossley

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

"No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy."
                                                       - Military maxim

     A massive belch echoed around the bridge of the Glorkwinkle.  I
whirled toward the sound and saw four figures bathed in the soft, cold
glow of a teleporter beam.
     The figures solidified.  The largest could only be Jordann.  I
recognized two of the other three, thanks to FILBERT's briefing: Gruell,
the motley engineer; and Bhujm, the rat-man from Cella.  The fourth man
was, judging by the uniform, one of the military officers from Jordann's
ship.
     I was relieved that I didn't see Sai-Ko.
     I barely had time to complete my survey of the boarding party
before Jordann started shouting and waving his gun around.  "All right,
nerds!  Throw down your weapons!  Oh, I forgot, you don't have any.  All
right, who wants to be the first to be tortured and killed?"
     Donald needed no second invitation, rushing toward the menacing
weapons of Jordann and his men.  Jordann's finger tightened on the
trigger.
     The bridge, suddenly illuminated by a flash of light, filled with
billowing smoke.
     A hooded figure, wearing robes like Zordoff's, stepped out of the
smoke.  Obviously it was Jordann's magician.  And the magician did not
seem happy.  Jordann shook, sending ripples through his body.
     "Fool!" hissed the sorceress.  "You dare ignore my warning?"
     Zot lapsed into deep, and hopefully useful, thought.
     Zordoff slowly sank to his knees, and, with his right hand, raised
his staff high into the air.  Had I been trained in magic, I would have
realized that Zordoff was challenging Jordann's sorceress to a duel, and
that such duels were to the death.
     Seizing the moment, I dove for the elevator.  Amazingly, no one
shot at me, although Bhujm shouted, "Look out!"  I noticed that the
soldier from Jordann's ship had passed out on the deck from sheer
terror.
     The elevator door swooshed shut behind me.  I punched the button
marked DOWN and was afraid for a moment that our power shutdown had shut
down the elevator along with everything else.  Luckily, it had, as an
emergency power backup system, a team of trained gerbils on treadmills. 
The elevator jerked and began moving downward, slowly.

                                 * * *

     "Doe!  Doe!  AAAAIIGHHHH!" Snort screamed as Chester dragged him
through the corridors toward the detention area, known among criminals
galaxywide as "the slammer."
     Chester was silent, scuffing Snort's bagpipes roughly on each
corner he rounded, for Snort was guilty of a terrible crime.  Chester
couldn't quite remember what it was that Snort had done, but never mind
that; he was sure it was something awful.
     Suddenly, inspiration struck Snort, who reeled with the blow but
soon recovered when he realized why inspiration had struck him.  There
was one thing he could do to get himself out of this mess.  It was
risky, but no more so than the situation he already found himself in. 
He inhaled deeply...
     "BLAAAAARGHCHOOOO!" sneezed Snort.
     Chester dumped him unceremoniously onto the floor and stared at
him, all forgotten except for Snort's vulgar and insulting statement. 
He couldn't quite remember what it meant, but never mind that; he was
sure it meant something awful.
     Snort knew an opportunity when one dumped him on the floor. 
Picking himself up from the floor, he gathered his bagpipes, and dashed,
kilt flapping, down the corridor.
     "RoaaaaaarrRRRRR!!!!" roared Chester, chasing after Snort simply
because he was in motion.  He wasn't going to let anyone get away with
saying "Blaarghchoo" to him!
     Snort led Chester around in circles, hoping he would tire soon. 
His own legs ached and the weight of the unwieldy bagpipes was holding
him back.  He did not drop them, though; the instrument was a family
heirloom, given to him by his father, and the last thing he wanted was
for Chester to trample them.
     Chester, meanwhile, had forgotten why he was chasing Snort.  All he
knew was that it was great fun.
     Then Snort stopped suddenly, ducking into a doorway.  Chester
passed him, not even realizing that Snort had given him the slip. 
Chester was far gone before he even noticed that there was something
missing from the chase, and when he did, he had forgotten what it was. 
He just kept running; it was great fun.
     Chester's footsteps thundered through the ship while Snort made his
stealthy way through the corridors, sniffling.

                                 * * *

     On the bridge, Bhujm stood watching Condra berate Jordann.  Jordann
had really gotten himself into a mess this time.  Condra, after all, was
incredibly powerful, and she decimated anyone who stood in her way. 
Jordann was just lucky she didn't want to take over the galaxy, too. 
(Although he suspected that thought had crossed her mind once or twice.)
     "Look out!" he cried as one of the nerds ran toward the elevator. 
His fear of Condra delayed his reaction long enough for the nerd to
reach the elevator.
     A nervous muscle spasm suddenly wracked Bhujm's arm, and his
fingers jerked down on random buttons on his teleporter.  "Oops," he
said.
     He looked around the now-empty bridge.  "Oops," he said again, as
he realized what he'd done.

                                 * * *

     As the doors to the elevators closed, I heard a faint voice.  The
voice did not have anything helpful to say; all it said was "Oops."
     I tried to think of something I could do to give us a fighting
chance.  After all, I was the Chosen One, or at least everyone seemed to
think I was, and I did have the Orb.  
     I pulled the Orb out of my pocket.  I held it in my hand and stared
at it, concentrating, not knowing what to expect, or what I was doing. 
Suddenly it glowed brightly.
     Yes, it definitely glowed this time!
     I almost dropped the Orb in surprise.  I hadn't imagined it, then,
on the bridge earlier!  But as soon as I noticed that it was glowing, it
stopped.  It was hard to tell now if it had really glowed or if I had
just thought it did.
     Suddenly there was a pop of displaced air, and Bhujm's yellow
teleporter/communicator appeared on the floor in front of me.
     It took me a while to figure out what it was, but once I did, I
realized that it was exactly what I needed to even the battle.  I had no
idea how to operate the gadget.  But I knew that Jordann could have a
hundred soldiers teleported over if he managed to get to a communication
console.  I had to figure out how to use the gadget, and fast.
     But first, I had to overcome my awe.  I had used my magic!  This
Chosen One stuff might actually have something to it, after all. 
Nothing like this had ever happened to me before.
     As the elevator descended, I heard another muffled sound from the
bridge.  It could have been anything, but it sounded to me like someone
saying "Oops."

